I Love You Patchnotes Bot, You Weirdo – Kotaku Australia

It’s pretty commonplace nowadays for a game to be released with some problems here and there. Even albums have been adding patches for the last few years.
Back in the olden days, before the internet was used to post pictures of pregnant Sonic the Hedgehog, you’d have to develop a game and then hope for the best that it wasn’t a buggy nightmare.
Thankfully, now developers can spend the rest of their days after their game launches catching any bugs in a jar and setting them free into their garden. This is done through ongoing patches and updates, and gamers are made aware of these through public patch notes.
What I personally go hard for is a goofy silly patch note. I froth it. I hoot and holler for it. Even better than a goofy silly patch note is a patch note that is funny when it’s not even supposed to be. I live for it.
I’m definitely not the only person that goes off for a hee-hee-ha-ha patch note. Since May of this year, a Twitter account called Patchnotes Bot has been regularly posting fictional patch notes for very real games based on code made by its creator, computer engineer RiscV.
I love silly little things like this, so I decided to grab a couple of my favourite bot-generated patch notes from the account to show to you. Maybe we can laugh together.
Changes added in latest Star Citizen update: – Added Mexico, but only the top half – The player character is now voiced by Matt Mercer – The game now reminds the player to NOT get up and continue playing every 2 hours pic.twitter.com/RiBGewKqPT
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 17, 2022
Changes added in latest Kerbal Space Program update: – Made strangulation take less time – Now mines crypto using your hardware sending it right to our wallet – New gamemode: spin the bottle pic.twitter.com/BngMtOGUuq
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 14, 2022
Changes added in latest Farming Simulator 2020 update: – Fuck it. Unleashed the gnomes – The player character is now voiced by Matt Mercer – Delayed game due to Miyamoto quote pic.twitter.com/IAwK6b7JxG
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 17, 2022
Changes added in latest Marble Blast Ultra update: – Added alternative “Not poggers” ending as based on user feedback – Now requires biometric scan to determine if user’s body is ready – Removed violence pic.twitter.com/1racqU2oXz
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 18, 2022
Changes added in latest Sonic Adventure update: – Severely nerfed killing abilities of bees, no more world-wide carnage when you get too close to a beehive – The final boss is now voiced by Keanu Reeves pic.twitter.com/bEnqRvFd1x
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 10, 2022
Changes added in latest Cory in the House update: – When trading, you now get what you traded for – Fixed Ronald Reagan’s spawn location – Random crits removed pic.twitter.com/0GGOAMeRXP
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 10, 2022
Changes added in latest The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild update: – Microtransactions can now be paid with V-Bucks – Added new slider for breast sizes – Story mode is now presented in 4.5 hours of cutscenes with no gameplay pic.twitter.com/JBNbn9Y6zk
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) August 3, 2022
Changes added in latest Bloodborne update: – Added 50% damage penalty to French players – Added the entirety of Brazil – Now with new Funky Mode pic.twitter.com/PpRAzRtsPy
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) July 26, 2022
Changes added in latest Elden Ring update: – Added motion controls – Added NES support – Increases the chances of a random chimp event by 26.8% pic.twitter.com/pAPY3JsttV
— Patchnotes Bot (@RandomPatchBot) July 19, 2022
Thank you for reading.
Ruby Innes is a writer specialising in video games. She writes for Kotaku Australia, with a background in radio broadcasting and podcasting. She covers a wide range of gaming topics while also bringing her strange yet endearing drawings to her stories.
Ruby is passionate about the Australian games industry, and loves spotlighting hidden gems from local studios. Her favourite game is Undertale, and her game libraries are filled with an array of cutesy and creepy single-player story games.
You can contact her via her Twitter (@rubyinnes) or email.
” Cryptocurrency ‘Gunky Fun Bux’ now accepted to access exclusive articles only related to hidden Gex sex scenes ”
” – Increases the chances of a random chimp event by 26.8%”
this wrecked me.
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